"Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so." wrote the late and great Douglas Adams. So I quit the job and did a Diploma in Counselling at Strathclyde Uni, though some work remains outstanding. Now unemployed.
Gender
Age
Male
30
Last Active
Profile Views
9 hours
1789 times
Share the Luv
Relationship Status
23
Single
Hometown
Glasgow
Ralph Burns's URL
http://www.bebo.com/RalphBurns
Member Since
March 2007
Ralph Burns says:
"Hanging by the phone. What fun." (9 hours ago) me too!
Motto
"Second star on the right, and straight on 'till morning."
Favourite films:
Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan* Barefoot in the Park* Serenity* The Empire Strikes Back* Robin Hood (1938)* Jason & The Argonauts (1963)* Flash Gordon (1980)* Transformers: The Movie (1986)*Planet of the Apes (1968)
Currently reading:
*Strontium Dog: Search/Destroy Agency Files Vol 1*
*Twenty Thousand Leagues Under The Sea - Jules Verne*
Currently watching:
*The Time Machine (1960)*
*Crappy Doug McClue films!*
*The West Wing - season 7*
*Indiana Jones and the Something of Something*
*The Muppet Show - season 2*
Currently listening to:
*Best of Bowie*
*Pulp - Hits*
*Radiohead - OK Computer*
Beef or pork sausages?
Oh it has to be pork everytime. With garlic.
Wibble
I never have any idea what to put up here at the top of the page. Meaning of life? Cooking recipes? Top tips for how to put a jumper on backwards? I have no idea, and what makes it worse is that you've just wasted several valuable seconds of your life reading that I have no idea. Yarrrr.
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For many years, I have been haunted by the sinister spectre of Bastard Bob the spider. He often mocks me and engages in deadly combat with me, most often in the toilet. Why? Because he is evil!
However, I must tell you of my latest victory over him.
There I was late last evening in the bedroom, browsing the Interwub, when suddenly I glimpsed Bastard Bob out of the corner of my eye. He was running across the carpet towards me, twice the size he was last time he cast his dark soul upon my abode, and possibly pregnant. I screamed in alarm and the glass of water I had been drinking was thrown violently upwards into the air. Water splashed down across one fourth of the surface of the carpet. Bob jerked back and made a bee-line for the chest of drawers beside the wall. Then, he stopped, his spidery legs twitching. I stared at him with utter contempt. He stared back at me with utter contempt, but eight more times.
This went on for several minutes as I used my spider-fu to determine that he was not going to move anytime soon. Then, like some weary hero upon some bloody battlefield, I darted into the hallway and retrieved the necessary battle gear. I returned - and lunged at Bastard Bob!
He rose up upon his evil back legs and scurried towards the chest of drawers, with me in fearful fast pursuit. I hurled a glass at him with which to capture his throbbing pulsating sinister mass...but missed! He made it behind the chest of drawers and lurked within the dust behind! Then, he ran out of sight behind the box of Excalibur* comics which lived under the wooden ediface. Damn him! But perhaps this was his mistake? Perhaps the spirit of Arthur, Knight of Pendragon, would come to my aid?
I fretted for several minutes. Then, Bob darted out from behind the opposite end of the chest of drawers! The sinister swine! I jumped ahead and halted his movement with Andrew Wildman's cover art from The Transformers: Infiltration issue #4**. This gave him some pause and he jumped back the way he had came, only to be blocked by the e-hobby 2008 Transformers Tapestry***! I had him now! No dark powers at his command could save him this time! But the little bastard jumped over the tapestry! As quick as a fiddle, I threw a tupperware dish at him! Victory! It had snared him by the edge of one leg! He strained to be free...and latched his foul self upon the carry-bag from the laptop. Slowly, inexorably, I lifted the bag away from him. He strained to crawl on to it...BUT HE COULD NOT, FOR ONE LEG WAS STILL TRAPPED!
I laughed in triumph. MUH HUH HUH!
Then, I carefully captured him with a special glass, freeing his pinned-down leg from the tupperware dish. For though he be my mortal enemy, whom I am fated to battle down through the ages, I wish not death for Bastard Bob, merely banishment. And thus, he was banished! Banished to the bush outside!
I think back to this mighty feat and rejoice!
Now shall I drink the drink of victory!
I NOW RAISE MY CHALICE WITH THE MILK OF PEACE CONTAINED WITHIN IT!
-Ralph, 18/8/08
*A fabulous comic Marvel comic from the last 80's featuring Captain Britain. Hurrah.
**It has a picture of a bloody big tank on it. I think that helped
***This features pictures of 445 robot warriors. That's how many are needed to take down the Bob.
Well, you'll be relieved to learn that the muesli was put back to the usual price. Yes, yes indeed. Sleep easy in your beds tonight. I know it was weighing heavily on your minds.
Annoyingly, I have started to put weight on since being cast into the pit of the unwaged*. I thought my trousers were getting a bit tight so jumped on the scales then jumped straight back off in fright, only to hit my head off of the wall. I felt somewhat foolish. In the corner, Bob the Bastard (the spider who lives in the loo) waved a leg at me mockingly.
Currently spending my time walking an hour to Farmfoods and back most days. Look, their turkey is cheap and I get a walk out of it and...and don't judge me! I'm only spending some of my time wasting away in the corners of pubs reading Jules Verne novels. Trips to the purveyor of fine goods at low low prices are positively wild next to that.
At times like this I try to think of Sigmund Freud. No, not that way, those of you with filthy minds. Nay, what I think of is his first job at the University of Vienna where, rather than kick off by discovering the deepest secrets of the human mind, he spent an inordinate amount of time cutting up eels looking for their gonads. Yes, that's right. Gonads. From eels! Which, when you think about it, explains a lot about his later career.
So think of this as my eel gonad phase of life. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off down Farmfoods. Three bottles of pepsi max for a pound! Woo!
-Ralph, 11/7/08
*Technically, I am working, but on a voluntary basis** and not for much of the week.
**Which I actually have to pay to do. Which is just wrong. I bet that never happened to Abraham Lincoln. When he was doing the Gettysburg address (and being mostly ignored at the time, fact fans) no-one said: "Well, that was nice. Now pay us money. And get a new hat." Well, he did have a ridulous hat.
Anthony Baker
Howdy Ralph! Auto Assembly photo's are now on my Bebo page for you to have a look at! Hope all is well and that the Scot's crew got home safely.
4 weeks ago
Lisa F
How goes it....? are we any more motivated.....I'm doing alrite besides the fact i've had 5 job knock backs and counting! I'm having nightmaires about filling out application forms. I have to admit I'm really missing some folks from the course, I think we need to organise a big group to stave of these nasty withdrawals! I go back to my shitty bank job tomoro but I suppose it's money and something to focus on in the mean time as I have way too much time on my hands. Lisa xx
Mandy Campbell
I am quite interested to see what they do with it and whether it will be in any way true to the original, and the trailer had lots of explosions which always impresses me!. How are you anyway? Getting used to life after Jordanhill?
6 weeks ago
Mandy Campbell
Have you seen the trailer for the Watchmen film due out next March - ooh the excitement!!
Lisa F
Hey! How's life post jordanhill treating you? I found the couple of weeks after we finnished quite scary...like I didnt know who I was without talking in person-centred lingo, it's a process alrite! Anyway, I'm beginning to settle now, plugging away at my hours. Passed my assignments...just had a resubmit for 1 to do, which Morna checked & said it should be fine....so may just graduate after all. Appyling for jobs like a maniac, had 3 knock backs then finally got some interest back, to go to an assesment type day a week today, plus got loads more apps in the works. Hope all is well with you...Lisa xoxoxoxo
8 weeks ago
Rhona Spowart
Hello you! Managed to get Lesley hooked up on bebo so you should be able to nab her as a friend. Got a couple of interviews lined up next week in Perth for pretty cool jobs and moving through on Sunday so its all a bit crazy! Hows things with you?
8 weeks ago
Rhona Spowart
Hello! Yea it's rubbish, found a possible job in Perth so filling out a really huge application form, argh!! Whats ur immediate future plans then? x
10 weeks ago
Gav
Yes I'm afraid the man is no longer amongst the living. Big shame.
11 weeks ago
Mandy Campbell
Apparently your pressie is near Isabel's desk in a 'big white bag'. So if you give me notice of when you can collect it I will make sure it is left out for you.
11 weeks ago
Mandy Campbell
Yes we are a dingy lot! Shona asked me to say she was sorry to have to rush off on Tuesday without really speaking to you, and I am sorry I missed you. I wasn't off having fun if its any consolation. When do you finish up uni?
12 weeks ago
Rima Al-Khalidi
Absofuckinglutely they should have won!!!! I voted for them twice!!! Absolute travesty that Russia won - don't care that they had a gay ice skater for effect!!!
Andy Turnbull
Indeed and then smack into a lamp post and fall to defeat!
15 weeks ago
Andy Turnbull
Indeed. It will mean I must keep moving and remember there were TWO C64 Transformers games!!!!
15 weeks ago
Mandy Campbell
Do we all need to know this? It's not as if we don't know about your fartiness first hand. I saw Katherine Dickie the other night and she was asking after you. I might not tell her about the farting though....
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